Oh! That hurts!
Oh! This is a video provided to me by the Alzheimer’s Association. In just 12 minutes, viewers watch scenarios and listen to conversations that include language that can be hurtful, intrusive, and just plain wrong. While none of these snippets talk directly about Alzheimer’s disease, they do cover a wide range of inappropriate comments people can make, things like “You don’t have an accent!” (when the speaker appears to be non-white) or “Sally can work overtime, she doesn’t have kids.” The movie provides optional responses when someone’s comment is hurtful, inappropriate, or just plain rude.
First, and I often struggle with this, is assuming there are only good intentions. Sometimes sentences are so commonplace that the speaker doesn’t even realize the implications. This is your chance to respond with “Using the word dementia that way it makes it sound contagious and scary. Dementia has many more aspects.” This is a perfect guide for a talk about what cognitive difficulty may or may not indicate.
The second option is to ask a question: “Have you ever thought about how saying ‘go back to your country’ causes trauma, fear and anguish? Many humans you have herded are refugees who have fled brutality and possible execution.” Once again, the offending words have been addressed, but in a gentle way that leads to conversation and understanding, or at least there is a hope of understanding. Some people really mean what they just said and that is a world lesson in itself.
Third option, interrupt and redirect, “Talking about Joe without him being here to intervene is demeaning. Let’s wait until the three of us can sit down and talk about this together.” He has stopped the conversation before he can move on in a polite way that also lets the speaker know that it’s only fair that Joe is a part of this conversation. He also sends the message that you are open and honest, willing to listen but not willing to pass judgment without proper information and input.
Make the individual statement: “When you say all employees are bigoted and uneducated, do you include me in that category?” Often mean comments are also part of who you are or what you do or your family history. Generalities can serve to cover a wide range of people, but they also dismiss the idea that each of us is an individual.
And finally, when the words of explanation escape the brain, there is the option of simply responding “Ouch!” That short word says a lot and exemplifies the pain, humiliation, and fear that negative comments imply.