Have you ever wondered why you never see fat vampires in the movies?
Aside from all the teenage vampire love stories and exotic Hollywood vampires with European accents, I haven’t seen any overweight vampires yet. (OK, maybe that really big one in the first Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.) Even the really crazy ugly ones are often gaunt, stringy, or ripped with sinewy muscles. Even the beautiful fictional character Vampirella is incredibly strong. (But, she is from another planet, so she comes out in daylight).
When you think about the metabolism and lifestyle of the vampire, it makes a lot of sense. They usually wake up familiar and fully motivated to lurk in the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. Sometimes, they can use the hypnotic eyes trick to subdue some weak-willed humans before sinking their fangs into them.
Otherwise, there’s a lot of crawling, chasing humans, scaling buildings, breaking into locations, and dodging angry vampire slayers. And the human hunt continues in any climate. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is really good), showers with thunder, and hot, humid nights. They don’t take breaks, sitting by the fireplace, watching TV, or hanging out at the bar (although that’s a good place to find humans). And vampires can’t just walk into the convenience store to buy junk food. They have to get their share of blood, starve or remain in hibernation.
And they get their dream. Hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep. No wonder they are ready to go when they wake up. None of the vampire stories I’ve read, seen or heard about vampires 24 hours a day. Being hypersensitive to sunlight, they had to work strictly the night shift and sleep all day. So, even after the longest night of stalking and chasing prey and sometimes fighting and eluding some humans out for revenge, the vampire still had plenty of time to nap. Often more than 12 hours at a time. Exercise, eat, sleep. In the vampire lifestyle there were three ingredients for a long life.
And you’ve never heard of one of them eating junk food, sweets, pastries, or high-sugar breakfast cereals, smoking cigarettes, or drinking soda or alcohol, have you? (Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake of fright night I had a beer.) No, it was a strict diet of iron-rich blood, lots of exercise fighting in the dark, and sound sleep. That’s probably why the undead never had to visit the dentist or doctor unless the vampires were going for a snack.
Now, I’m not advocating that kind of lifestyle, especially long nights and blood consumption. Unless you have photophobia or a condition like XP (xeroderma pigmentosum), you’ll miss out on the benefits of sunlight. Drinking blood is dangerous as blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest, and contains too much iron (causing hemochromatosis) which can damage internal organs. And all that hiding in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe land you in jail.
But, I fully support natural and functional physical exercises, deep breathing, body alignment, and various other factors that the vampire lifestyle can replicate.