Your spouse cheated on you and you are learning to survive infidelity. Learning to live with your partner’s infidelity is difficult. It takes time and a lot of commitment to rebuild a marriage after an affair.
Having made the decision to give your marriage another try, you will find that you have taken on a lot of stress. Rebuilding a relationship is hard work. There are likely to be times when she has flashbacks to how things were when she first found out about her spouse’s affair. You will continue to receive spikes of anger, jealousy, resentment, and fear. The horrible images of the two lovers will appear in your mind without warning.
The hard work of healing your marriage will make all the effort worth it. But that reward may seem a long way off. In the meantime, there is an exercise you can do with your spouse to lighten the tense atmosphere.
You and your spouse need to move forward as a couple. You must leave the bad memories in the past and move towards your future together as a happily married couple. The best way to erase bad memories is to build new good ones. You can do this by having good times now and in the future. Each new good memory you build together will help drive away the bad memories and hateful images that still haunt you.
Joint happy memories will bring you and your spouse closer together. Sharing good times is the way to build those memories. Even in a relationship based on deep love for each other, it can be difficult to rekindle the feelings you had in the early days of your romance. You must make a conscious effort to rekindle the spark that once shone at the heart of your marriage.
You need to spend some quality time together as a couple. Remember the early days when all they wanted was to spend time together. Do you remember how much fun you had? You need to get back to having fun and relaxing together.
The way to do this is to start dating together. In some ways, dating someone you already know so well can be tricky. You’ve done so much together that it might seem like there’s nothing new and fun left. It can also seem a bit fake to be dating the person you’re already married to.
You have probably spent a lot of time together at home talking about your problems. Taking a break from that tense situation will do both of you good. The way to jump-start this new fun time is to start by treating it like an exercise.
Step 1: Make a list of date ideas
Each of you should make a list of half a dozen dates that you would like to have with your partner. These can be simple things like trying a new restaurant that just opened in town, or taking a long walk and having a picnic in a beautiful place. It could be picking up a sport you once enjoyed together but stopped playing. It could be a personal indulgence, like breaking out of your healthy diet and going out for pizza and huge ice cream sundaes to follow.
Step 2: Plan your first appointment
Once you each have your list of date ideas, combine them and choose one from the list to schedule immediately. Set the date at a time that is convenient for both of you. But do it soon; This exercise is another way to move your relationship forward. You may want to choose one from each list and schedule both. Then take it in turns week by week.
Step 3: Make a non-conflict pact
Your appointments are not a time to air grievances or continue a lengthy discussion. All topics that may cause friction or tension should be outside the date limits. Both of you should relax and get to know each other again. Talk about anything other than the status of your marriage. Talk about work, hobbies, the state of the economy, or plans for a vacation. For the duration of the date, put the past aside and enjoy the present.
Going on dates with the spouse who cheated on you may sound rather contrived, but it can be a wonderful way to start building new happy memories. Dressing up for a date can also give your self-confidence a boost. Your spouse has seen you at your lowest point. Now is your chance to shine the way you attracted your spouse the first time. You should also take the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the attributes you found attractive in your spouse when you first met.
By the time you’ve gone on the dozen or so dates on your original lists, going out together as a couple will feel completely natural and it’ll be easy to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Having fun together will not seem difficult and you will know that you have taken a big step in healing your relationship.