Are you the parent of a child on the autism spectrum? Want to reduce the chance of an emotional breakdown during this year’s holiday season? Then take out your magic wand. That’s right, we all have a magic wand at our disposal, but we often forget that we have it and how to use it. The best way to minimize chaos and maintain a calm environment in any family is to wave your magic wand and use your power to “communicate.” It may not seem like magic, but if used effectively, clear and thoughtful communication is the best weapon we have to prevent conflict of any kind. Yes, basic human interaction, the very thing that causes conflicts in the first place, can just as easily prevent them.
Not communicating our needs. when we are perfectly capable it is very different from trying but not being able to clearly articulate our needs. Autistic children generally fall into the latter category due to the challenges they have around language and using it to express themselves, which is where many of those tantrums, tears, and uncontrollable behaviors come from.
As for us adults, well, most of us have no excuse. We have the potential to communicate effectively, but we don’t always choose to use this incredible power to our advantage. Making assumptions that our family members can read our minds, or not fully listen to them when they speak to us, or not give them our full attention, are all ways we allow our communication to break down and cause problems.
ALL of this is avoidable and the answer is at your fingertips or should I say on the tip of your tongue. If we want to minimize the emotional meltdowns that occur during the holiday season or any other time of the year, whether between ourselves, adults, or our children, special needs or not, then we need to improve the way we exchange messages with each other. Never underestimate the power of communication to prevent potential battles, upsets, tantrums and tears, especially when it comes to children with special needs who thrive on clear, concise and factual information. So before your vacation begins and things start to go awry, consider doing the following:
- Talk about what you want this year.Get together with your spouse or partner and discuss how you would like the festivities to unfold. Once you have a good idea of what is best for your family, present it to your children and invite them to add their opinion. If you’ve never had a family reunion before, this is a good time to start. Make a list of what each of you expects and expects and take the time to validate and review each one.
- Start early.Don’t wait until an event is only a day or two away to start discussing it. Yes, there will be some things that will happen spontaneously that everyone will have to try to accommodate, but don’t make a habit of it. The more you can plan ahead, the more predictable things will be for everyone. This provides consistency for a child with autism and goes a long way in minimizing or eliminating any anxiety that may be building.
- Create a realistic plan.Now that you have all of this information, take the time to discuss what is feasible and what is not. Focus on the things that experience tells you will work and cross out the ideas that are unrealistic. As for the suggestions that fall somewhere in the middle, take the time to talk about how you can or cannot make it work. Sometimes things just need a few tweaks to make them workable.
- Record decisions.Write down ideas and final plans for the holidays on paper. Better yet, write it all down on a calendar that everyone can see and refer to. This works well for any child, especially children on the autism spectrum who tend to be visual learners. It helps them make a better transition when they know in a very concrete and literal way exactly what is going to happen on a particular day.
- Evaluate often.Take the time to review the plans you created at regular intervals so that revisions can be made if necessary. It’s best to address potential obstacles up front and early on, and then try to change plans at the last minute. Due to their well-known resistance to change, unplanned alterations or surprise announcements of a change in routine do not bode well for children with autism.
So remember to communicate your wishes for the holidays and create a plan with your partner, but do it early! And most importantly, encourage the rest of the family to express their thoughts as well. Finding out what each person wants from their vacation has a very positive impact on mood and disposition because when everyone in the household feels heard, their happiness meter goes up. Happiness is contagious and will make everyone much more flexible and willing to put up with someone else’s favorite holiday activity without whining, feeling ignored, or dissolving into a screaming match or hundred-first tantrum.